The Letting Go

the dark that came

encroached,

suffocated and

destroyed

is finally gone

I feel so light,

so boundless

not tethered 

to the slow

ugly dissolve

of one life,

one life

I loved

but never understood.... 

Surrender

Surrender,

I don't want to,

It is so hard to let go

of what I want,

what I think should happen,

what I am sure is best...

Surrender

this day to a power greater

than myself,

I don't want to,

not today

Surrender 

to a God

I don't think is listening

even when I know

deep down 

that is not true

Can you hear me

are you listening

Surrender is so difficult

Find me,

meet me

so I can get through

one more day....

heaven?

I don’t know if it is fear or pain that makes me doubt what I always believed

But so much of what I believe has been tested and devastated

These last years…

 

 I speak of heaven like I expect it to be there

Or is it habit, wishful thinking, desperation?

 

Help me

 when I can’t trust me

And trusting You hurts so much I can’t breath….

loosing

Unable to sleep

Tears so many

Choking me

Longing for words of expression

But I can’t speak

Words, words, they give definition,

But I cannot define

This place that I am in

How did I get here, how did we get here

How much tragedy is enough,

When is it too much?

I miss your eyes, your reassurance,

it has been three years

nine years, and in the near future

I am looking for you

Each of you

Brother, cousin, father…

Knowing no one can fill the holes

Each of you left or are leaving…

Why do I keep loosing

 the men in my life

to dying….

My life

A perfect moon

in a polluted

sky

is all I've ever known...

A thousand stones

made

the path

I follow

Some were placed

Some were thrown

Some were forgotten

Sharp stones

drew blood

from an un-callused  heart

Large stones

stumped toes

and reason

But there 

are stones

on this path

iridescent

that capture

and hold

the light of

sun

and

moon

It is these stones

that have guided

me...

Grey

I don't believe

in black

or 

white

I only see

shades of gray

Some are darker

some are lighter

to my eyes

but 

may 

not 

be

the same

in yours....